The confidence to fail

 

By 

 

Gene Fredericks

 

Part of

 

Memoirs of a double visionary

 

Boredom to me is the worst feeling, worse than failing.  When I try something, which often takes a lot of energy, I feel I am at least trying.  Sitting doing nothing seems like I am not failing, but not… well, doing anything.  Getting up the gumption to act in whatever form it takes is often a last resort.  All else in the way of procrastination has left me at a dead end, and facing the dreaded feeling of boredom!  Feeling sorry for myself is one of the last straws, not that I don’t thoroughly enjoy it, but it usually leads to boredom after the self-flagellation has reached that satisfying “you deserve it” conclusion.  So here I am writing because the alternative is boredom for today.  I am lucky that I have created a mental play space for myself where I really can go off on all kinds of idea tangents and feel I am doing something.  I can think about the cosmos, and I actually do have a place where I can write about it.  I have a space for political science and civics where I can fume about the current state of affairs and propose alternatives of my own design.  I have a place where stories and ideas can be put into words and images.  And, I have a place where I can explain myself, mostly to myself, and this is an example of that.  So I really am lucky that I have outlets and shouldn’t really allow myself to get to the point where I am bored.  But, there is this problem, a big problem.   It’s called confidence and belief in myself.  Most of the time I don’t believe in myself and feel I am any number of less-than-acceptable humans.  That thought can stop me in my tracks pretty fast and keep me there as long as the rut digging is underway.  I have a powerful trenching tool that came with my DNA and it seems to have an autopilots feature that I am not happy with.  But I have been getting better and turning it off and moving a head.  

 

Today, as I was doing some real digging for my driveway (doing mindless work is often a good break from my personal rut digging), I realized that I had set my life up as I had planned.  I wanted to do as much as I could, and towards the end, write out and explore what was of interest to me.  I am doing that, and with the exception of the self-doubt and the unbearable boredom that ensues, I am fine.   I also realized today that I have to have the confidence to fail.  I have to just do and let it fall where it may.  After all, leaving something flawed is better than not leaving anything at all.  That, like boredom, is the worst feeling.  What I do is of some value, I am absolutely confident of that!